Rantings of a food addict

I am watching America's Biggest Loser Finale. I am seeing women who weighed what I weigh now. Do I look like that? YEP!

Mother's day 2009 has come and gone. I had posted Mother's Day 2008 how I was setting a goal to lose 100 lbs by Mother's Day this year. I was so determined....so ready to battle it all. Well, 2 days past Mother's Day, not only did I not lose 100 pounds, I gained 2! I currently weigh 165. From my last weight post, y0u can see that I got down to 242 at one point. But that has all come back on.

Why? Why can I not kick this? When I was watching Biggest Loser one night, a son asked his dad why he didn't do better by them. I lost it! My daughter has the same eating issue I have! She is already over weight at 9 years old. Why in the world does that not motivate me?

What will it take to motivate me? Will anything do it? I have seen my grandmother's heart with half of it dead...seen the sonogram of that. It impacted me at the time, but not enough to make a change!

I see my daughter struggling, but that doesn't do it!

I know there are spiritual issues. But how do I knock those? I know God is bigger than this issue, but yet it is still here.

I can't do it alone, yet I don't know where to turn.

I want to run with my kids. Losing weight would give me so much more energy to do that!

I know I have battled this since I was in 5th grade. I think I have made a fake image of myself. I had to in order to survive back then. I had to see myself as thinner than I am. I often wonder if there is a reverse anorexia that makes me see myself thinner than I really am.

All the emotions in me tonight just boil down to, I don't believe I can do it. I don't believe I can kick the eating habits, I don't believe I can ever get passed this problem.

It is not the only struggle in my life. There are so many! I think so many times, I lose my battle with food because I just get tired of fighting! If I give in, the fight is over!

I wonder what the next year will bring. I would love to think it will bring 100 pounds less of me...or even 50 pounds less of me.

We will see.