Rantings of a food addict

I am watching America's Biggest Loser Finale. I am seeing women who weighed what I weigh now. Do I look like that? YEP!

Mother's day 2009 has come and gone. I had posted Mother's Day 2008 how I was setting a goal to lose 100 lbs by Mother's Day this year. I was so determined....so ready to battle it all. Well, 2 days past Mother's Day, not only did I not lose 100 pounds, I gained 2! I currently weigh 165. From my last weight post, y0u can see that I got down to 242 at one point. But that has all come back on.

Why? Why can I not kick this? When I was watching Biggest Loser one night, a son asked his dad why he didn't do better by them. I lost it! My daughter has the same eating issue I have! She is already over weight at 9 years old. Why in the world does that not motivate me?

What will it take to motivate me? Will anything do it? I have seen my grandmother's heart with half of it dead...seen the sonogram of that. It impacted me at the time, but not enough to make a change!

I see my daughter struggling, but that doesn't do it!

I know there are spiritual issues. But how do I knock those? I know God is bigger than this issue, but yet it is still here.

I can't do it alone, yet I don't know where to turn.

I want to run with my kids. Losing weight would give me so much more energy to do that!

I know I have battled this since I was in 5th grade. I think I have made a fake image of myself. I had to in order to survive back then. I had to see myself as thinner than I am. I often wonder if there is a reverse anorexia that makes me see myself thinner than I really am.

All the emotions in me tonight just boil down to, I don't believe I can do it. I don't believe I can kick the eating habits, I don't believe I can ever get passed this problem.

It is not the only struggle in my life. There are so many! I think so many times, I lose my battle with food because I just get tired of fighting! If I give in, the fight is over!

I wonder what the next year will bring. I would love to think it will bring 100 pounds less of me...or even 50 pounds less of me.

We will see.

Transparency!

Here I am! This will be my BEFORE
picture! It was taken Thanksgiving
2006. That was my turkey in a bag!

Well, here it goes! I am fed up with my eating habits and addiciton to food that leads to my weight issue! I watched Oprah today and all these people talk about the "click" that turned them around and convinced them now is the time to lose weight. I sat there wondering, what is it that will make that happen for me? I keep waiting for this lightning bolt to hit and heal me of my eating issues and burn off the extra 125 lbs I am carrying around! So I figure, why not put it all out there for the world to read?! Maybe I can inspire someone else, or someone reading will post a comment and inspire me!

I know my food is a spiritual battle. Yes, I love food, and love to eat. But there are many times that I eat just because...I may not even like what I am eating, but I keep eating because I think somewhere in the back of my mind that whatever I am eating will fill the void I have....when really, God is the only one who will fill it! He is sitting there waiting for me to turn to him, so why don't I? The answer is sooo easy....why do I not turn to him? I believe the lies that food has a hold on my that is stronger than God....how foolish! When will I believe the truth? God so wants to free me!

Ok, God, I am ready to be freed! I am ready to be free of the weight that prohibits me from being able to accomplish all I need to just because of fatigue! My children, my husband, my grandchildren, and mostly God deserve a healthy me!

So I am ready to lose the 116 pounds I need to lose. Ava is 9 months old. I had lost all but 7 pounds of the 35 pounds I gained with my prengancy with her. Now I am 6 pounds away from being at my heaviest PREGNANT weight! UGH!

Today was a day I was going to fast in order to break the hold of food on me. Well that lasted until lunch! Then it was down hill from there! I finished off two bags of potatoe chips (they were mainly crumbs, but STILL). I had to bake cookies for Callie's bake sale tomorrow. I ate tons of dough and I think three cookies!

BUT God's mercies are new every morning! And tomorrow is a new morning! So for now I go to bed ready to wake up in the morning and fight with all my might and the power of Christ that is in me to conquer this battle with food!