Motivation....

There are so many things I think should motivate me....like your children in their honesty telling you how big your thighs are.....or sitting at the computer working and just feeling your belly hanging places it shouldn't! Whey does this not motivate me? I think because right after I think motivation, the voices start in again so I just eat to curtail the pain from the words of the voices and then the thighs get bigger and the stomach hangs over a little more!...that is so gross! ugh! Maybe I will tell the little voices to hush and go do some situps!

Why can I not conquer?

Why is this so hard? You would think that I have enough to motivate me! Yet, I just can't seem to get over it!

What are my motivators? Well, lets see, I am over 100 pounds over weight, on all the charts, I am on "obese"! Such an ugly word! When you see the "before" pictures when people lose weight, I see me! I am the before picture! When people show their *huge* clothes that they can now fit themselves and a friend into, those are my clothes now! Someone teased about taking a huge pair of women's underwear as a gift in a white elephant party, and I broke out in a cold sweat because I figured they would be the size of my underwear. I have developed high blood pressure, I am exhausted by 8:30 at night, my legs hurt when I have to stand for a long time and the list goes on and on! So with all that, why can I not motivate myself to stop it?

Well, probably because the voices in my head tell me it is no use. This time will be no different than the times before. Even if I deny myself that food now, it will make no difference on the scale later. Food is the only solace I have for the emotions that I face during the day. I will always be fat. Being fat is a sign of my laziness and unorganization and that will never change. All those are lies, I know in my head, but my heart believes every one of them. And out of the heart flows the well spring of life....and death!

God, help me to hear Your voice over the others. I confess putting food above you in my life. I ask that you forgive me for turning to food and not you in my times of need. What I think I can gain from eating, I do not know! But You offer life! Help me take up the life you offer and leave the trash behind!

One way to lose weight

I was sicker than sick yesterday! I was going at both ends (sorry, that was a little grafick, huh>!). But when I got on the scale this morning, I was down the pounds I had gained plus one more! Hard way to lose it, but I will take it! Now I just have to keep it off!

Monday Weigh In

Well, I am up two pounds! ugh! After the week I have had, that is not surprising. I have to find time to exercise! I just can't drag myself out of bed in the mornings. I think today I will air up the exercise ball! John is out of town so walking is out of the questions since I can't leave the kids alone. Maybe I will use the DVD and the ball tomorrow morning......

Monday Weigh In

Well, I am down three pounds! Woohoo! I tend to weigh way too much! So I am trying to only record one weight a week to see what is really happening. I tend to fluctuate a lot.

The weekend wasn't so great, as I knew it wouldn't be with the garage sale. But today was better. My menu for today was granola bar for breakfast, spinach salad with chicken for lunch. Then for dinner, I grilled steaks, egg plant and cabbage. We had fresh strawberry shortcake for desert. I know deserts can't be banned all together! So I am trying to do good ones. I didn't add as much sugar to the strawberries as I normally would.

So as far as meals, it was great. Now if I hadn't eaten the five or six marshmallow eggs or the seven or eight m&m's, it would have been great! Something to work on for tomorrow! Sweets are definitly my stronghold!

I did walk for 20 minutes this morning also. I would have walked for longer, but I didn't have time. I need to get up by 5:15 to have a full 30 minutes to walk! That used to be easy for me, but with the depression, getting up in the mornings is so hard! But I will work on it!

Garage sale...hard to eat

We are having a garage sale this weekend. So eating will be tricky! That means no cooking and most likely eating out. But even if I can just make wiser choices when eating out. I know many of you will laugh at my reasoning, but for dinner tonight after a full day of pricing and setting out items for the garage sale (and John at rehearsal so all four kids on my own this evening), we stopped by HEB and picked up tv dinners. I think I have the only kids in the world who beg for tv dinners! So I browsed past the fried foods and settled on a "lean cuisine" meal. That would have been a great choice if I hadn't eaten the half of Ava's spaghetti that she left behind! ugh! But still, I did make a wiser choice in my meal....and many times during the day, I felt myself wanting to eat because I was tired or overwhelmed. But instead I would stop and think of what emotion I was feeding, pray for an answer, then moved forward. So overall, today was not great, but not bad either! I had a huge desire to go eat some ice cream, so I blogged instead! Aren't you glad?! ha!

It's been awhile....again!

Ok, I have been told that some of you are actually reading this blog. So I figure I should try to post more often! That is scary on many levels! I originally started this thinking no one would really read it, but there would be accountability since it is going out to the world. Now that people I know are reading it, well, that is really scary! You know my weight! Ugh! :) Oh well, we Christians are called to transparency, right?! So this is full trasnparency!

So where am I in my journey? Well, about the same place I was when I started this blog! :) As of this morning, I need to lose 105 pounds to get to what I think is my goal weight. I need to lose 85 pounds to be at the weight I was when John and I met. That was a pretty good size for me, losing more than that might be too much, but according to the "charts" I need to lose 105 to be at my ideal weight. I have 17 pounds to lose to be at pre-pregnancy weight. Yes, my baby will be 2 in May, but my first baby turned 8 in January, and I still haven't hit my pre-pregnancy weight with her!

What are my thoughts? Well, I have new motivation, well it should be new motivation, but nothing seems to motivate me in this area! I went to the doctor last month and he wants to put me on high blood pressure medicine. What?! I am 34 and do not want to go on high blood pressure medicine! yuck! But it seems that no matter what the motivation is, the voices in my head are louder! As I left the doctor, I told myself this was it...that defining moment you always hear people who have lost lots of weight talk about. The moment that the food became less of a draw than the consequence of not losing the weight. But at the same time I am thinking that, the voices in my hear are screaming that this time will be no different than any other time. "You can't stop eating! You will never be able to be thin! You don't have what it takes to eat healthy! You don't have the knowledge or the will power! You have been heavy your whole life, just get used to it! You are not that overweight, you are fine!" All lies, I know! Yet, I can't seem to shake them. Now a month later, they have more weight (no pun intended) in my mind because it is true. I haven't lost, I haven't conquered, in fact I have regressed....BUT I am ready to conquer! I hope to be more dedicated to blogging my journey here...maybe even putting my food journal on here....I know that is the key...keeping track of what I eat so I am aware! It just takes so much time! But is worth it.

Better, get going for the day...I already feel a little defeated as I was not able to exercise because John had to leave early and I forgot that. But I can walk tonight,and I am going to take my exercise ball (that I got for my birthday in December!) to my dad to get him to air it up since I haven't done it yet!

More on my motivation this morning later......step one of my journey to skinny (really just a journey to healthy and skinny is a nice side effect!).