Why can I not conquer?

Why is this so hard? You would think that I have enough to motivate me! Yet, I just can't seem to get over it!

What are my motivators? Well, lets see, I am over 100 pounds over weight, on all the charts, I am on "obese"! Such an ugly word! When you see the "before" pictures when people lose weight, I see me! I am the before picture! When people show their *huge* clothes that they can now fit themselves and a friend into, those are my clothes now! Someone teased about taking a huge pair of women's underwear as a gift in a white elephant party, and I broke out in a cold sweat because I figured they would be the size of my underwear. I have developed high blood pressure, I am exhausted by 8:30 at night, my legs hurt when I have to stand for a long time and the list goes on and on! So with all that, why can I not motivate myself to stop it?

Well, probably because the voices in my head tell me it is no use. This time will be no different than the times before. Even if I deny myself that food now, it will make no difference on the scale later. Food is the only solace I have for the emotions that I face during the day. I will always be fat. Being fat is a sign of my laziness and unorganization and that will never change. All those are lies, I know in my head, but my heart believes every one of them. And out of the heart flows the well spring of life....and death!

God, help me to hear Your voice over the others. I confess putting food above you in my life. I ask that you forgive me for turning to food and not you in my times of need. What I think I can gain from eating, I do not know! But You offer life! Help me take up the life you offer and leave the trash behind!