It's been awhile....again!

Ok, I have been told that some of you are actually reading this blog. So I figure I should try to post more often! That is scary on many levels! I originally started this thinking no one would really read it, but there would be accountability since it is going out to the world. Now that people I know are reading it, well, that is really scary! You know my weight! Ugh! :) Oh well, we Christians are called to transparency, right?! So this is full trasnparency!

So where am I in my journey? Well, about the same place I was when I started this blog! :) As of this morning, I need to lose 105 pounds to get to what I think is my goal weight. I need to lose 85 pounds to be at the weight I was when John and I met. That was a pretty good size for me, losing more than that might be too much, but according to the "charts" I need to lose 105 to be at my ideal weight. I have 17 pounds to lose to be at pre-pregnancy weight. Yes, my baby will be 2 in May, but my first baby turned 8 in January, and I still haven't hit my pre-pregnancy weight with her!

What are my thoughts? Well, I have new motivation, well it should be new motivation, but nothing seems to motivate me in this area! I went to the doctor last month and he wants to put me on high blood pressure medicine. What?! I am 34 and do not want to go on high blood pressure medicine! yuck! But it seems that no matter what the motivation is, the voices in my head are louder! As I left the doctor, I told myself this was it...that defining moment you always hear people who have lost lots of weight talk about. The moment that the food became less of a draw than the consequence of not losing the weight. But at the same time I am thinking that, the voices in my hear are screaming that this time will be no different than any other time. "You can't stop eating! You will never be able to be thin! You don't have what it takes to eat healthy! You don't have the knowledge or the will power! You have been heavy your whole life, just get used to it! You are not that overweight, you are fine!" All lies, I know! Yet, I can't seem to shake them. Now a month later, they have more weight (no pun intended) in my mind because it is true. I haven't lost, I haven't conquered, in fact I have regressed....BUT I am ready to conquer! I hope to be more dedicated to blogging my journey here...maybe even putting my food journal on here....I know that is the key...keeping track of what I eat so I am aware! It just takes so much time! But is worth it.

Better, get going for the day...I already feel a little defeated as I was not able to exercise because John had to leave early and I forgot that. But I can walk tonight,and I am going to take my exercise ball (that I got for my birthday in December!) to my dad to get him to air it up since I haven't done it yet!

More on my motivation this morning later......step one of my journey to skinny (really just a journey to healthy and skinny is a nice side effect!).