Long time!

I knew it had been a while since I had blogged here, but had no idea how long! Sorry about that!

John and I are one week and one day into the Daniel Fast. I am doing it! I can' t believe it! I have not cheated even one time...and today has been a day of emergency with the agency, and I still haven't cheated! We couldn't take all the non-allowable foods out of the house because of the kids, so I have moved past temptation of even hershey kisses today as I am stressed out! Go God!

A really nice perk also is that I have lost 12.6 pounds since last Thursday! Woohoo!!!!! 3 more pounds, and I can say, "Good bye 240!" I love it!

I need to blog more, but work is calling!

Good bye 250!!!!!

Wow! I can't believe it has been a month since I have posted! If I still have any readers, I am happy to announce I am now below 250!!!!!! I weighted 249.5 this morning! I have officially lost 10.5 pounds! I am so excited....not just about the weight loss, but about my change in attiutude toward food. I don't rally have to "think" about not eating. I eat when I am hungry and don't when I am not. Even when it is time to eat, I don't eat if I am not hungry. I know this is because I am getting closer and closer to God! Food is not appealing because I know it has nothing to offer me except nutrition...so this even changes the choices I make in food! It is really amazing! I would love to take credit, but I can't because I have tried so many times before and failed! But now, it is just natural....so that means it has to be God!

I am praying about doing the Daniel fast! I have friends who have done it and said it was life changing. I need to do some more research and see what it entails, and how much I would have to modify for my kids. Has anyone done it with their young kids??? I am wondering if they could do it with me and what kind of impact it would have on them....

I actually did try to post while I was in Liberia, West Africa, but the internet was slow and I lost my LONG post! I lost 2 pounds while there because I was so busy working I literally did not eat! I only ate breakfast and lunch a couple of the 11 days I was gone! I didn't lose weight because the food wasn't good....we have awesome restaraunts that we eat at....in fact the first time I went, I gained weight! That just shouldn't happen when you travel to Africa!

Just 49.5 lbs until I can say good bye to 200!! I can't wait!!!!

munchies alert!

Today is one of those days where the munchies are about to take me over! The hardest time for me to fight off eating when I am not hungry is when I am tired, and today is one of those days when I am exhausted! I should have slept when the little ones slept, but instead, I worked. Now I am regretting that decision. So I ate a nectarine to try and squelch the munchies. I hope it works! I am still with in my points, but we are eating at Chuck E. Cheese tonight for NOah's birthday, so that means I have to save enough points for pizza! :) I can do it, I can do it, I can do it!

Can you say "yo-yo?"

I hate the yo-yo of dieting! I lose, I gain, I lose, I gain, I gain, I gain! I keep telling myself this weight did not get on overnight, it will not come off overnight either! Plus, they are testing me for sleep apnea which could be making it difficult to impossible to lose the weight. However, with summer vacations being here, it makes is very difficult to track my food and stay on track! I also have a hard time getting up right now because of the fatigue, so I am not exercising in the mornings like I need to be. None of these things will spell success! But I am determined! I am concentrating on my heart.....on not wanting food to comfort myself, but eating to nourish my body! That really impacts my choice in food if I look at it like that! So another week, and still not down any more over all, but there is always next Monday....except I will be in West Africa next Monday! So no weigh in! It will have to wait for the next Monday!

Ugh..again!

I am not sure why, but this morning I was up a lot! I hate that! I weighed on day last week and had lost another pound. So I was expecting big things this morning! Big in the weight loss category, not in the gain category! So frustrating! I was out of town last week so didn't record a lot of my food, but really felt good about how I ate. I got popcorn for a snack at the convenience store on the road instead of a candy bar. At the continental breakfast at the hotel, I had not desire to eat one of everything (that is what I used to do!). So I was really excited to see what the scale said.

I was up 3.5 pounds! So frustrating! I will weigh again later in the week and see what it says. Maybe this morning was just a bad day to weigh. I haven't been excercising, and I know that is not good. I also haven't been drinking water. So I am going to work on those two areas this week.

So this is the face that Weight Watchers gave me on my weight recorder today!

One more pound!

I didn't record last weeks weight, but I had gone back up to 256. But this week, I did well and was back down minus one! So I have a total weight loss of 6.5 pounds! First five pound milestone down! woohoo!!! This week was so easy because I didn't have to "think" about it! I just ate what I wanted and quit when I was full. Food didn't consume me! I didn't do well this weekend, but I also didnt' spend time with God Saturday or Sunday. I know that impacts my whole being....including how I view food!

Only 93.5 pounds until the nose ring! :)

I'm going to do it!

When I lose my weight, I am going to pierce my nose! Why you ask? See post below! When I lose 100 pounds, it will mean that God has taken his rightful place on the throan of my heart....food will be forever overthrown! It will be an outward symbol of an inward commitment, a change from the inside out! Just like I wear my wedding ring to show I am committed to John, the nose stud will be to show that God owns my heart, I am fully committed to Him and have conquered my addiction to food! It will be extreme! :) I have been called a prude many times! So for me to show up with a nose piercing will be a shock to many (My parents being among the biggest, I am sure), but I can't wait to get it done! When it is done, I will know I have won the battle! God will be ther ruler of my heart and food will be in submission! What a day that will be! :)

Me, the Freak! (Cross Posted)

I remember a time when I thought the song "Jesus Freak" was just hard rock. But now, it seems to be my theme song. I have written before about how I feel like an alien in this place we call home. Yet even more today than when I wrote that, I feel like a freak because of my beliefs.

We have been at a family reunion this weekend. It was interesting to say the least. One cousin I had not seen since our wedding almost 11 years ago. She walked up and I instantly saw a beautiful young woman. Now I know that doesn't sound like s strange statement, but she was not what I would normally think of as beautiful. She had long earrings that looked somewhat like chains and hung down to her shoulders. She was in sort of "earthy" clothing and had a tattoo on the top of her foot...along with one on her arm. But as I visited with this cousin, I realized why I found her beautiful, she loves the Lord with her whole heart! She has a countenance about her that makes her beautiful! That tattoo on the top of her foot is the same scripture I named my blog after. So that got me to thinking why someone that the old me would have seen as a little freaky is now so beautiful. And I didn't have to go far to figure it out.

You see, I feel much like her in many ways. I have found myself listening more and more to the "edgy" music. I don't know that it is because I "enjoy" it more, but it seems that not only is the music edgy, but the lyrics reflect lives that are lived on the edge. The lyrics aren't just about a wonderful God that makes our lives warm and cozy (while He can do that, and I love the songs that speak of His wonderful attributes), but they are about a life that is gut wrenching, that takes you to your breaking point just because you follow God in a way that people, even Christians, just don't understand.So how did "Miss Prim and Proper in the Church Every Time the Doors are Open" become a punk rocker? Well, I think this is how.....

My faith that calls me to adopt children who don't look like me is my green hair.

My obedience to a God that asks me to go to Africa and meet a daughter I didn't get to bring home, but in the end still know I followed God in pursuing is my Mohawk.

My expectation of myself to live a life above reproach (even if that means offending even family members who choose a different life style) is the ring in my nose.

My four children whom I can't afford but have because God told us to bring home number four is the tattoo on my right arm.

My resolve to move to a small West Texas town because I know God has kingdom work for us is the ring making great big holes in my ear lobes.

My hearing God say to buy a house that has set empty for eight years and looks condemned in a tiny town that has NO real estate value is my black lip stick.

My obedience to put my dream home on the market after living in it for less than a year because God says it is time to move is the bar piercing my tongue.

My walk of faith to open an adoption ministry when I know nothing about how to do that is my combat boots.

My love that requires me to confront a friend walking in open rebellion to God is my chain around my hip.

You see, I may still look like Miss "Prim and Proper in the Church Every Time the Doors are Open" on the outside, but I am finding that as people get to know me, they look at me with the same horror because of my convictions as they would someone walking down the street with the physical attributes I described. I am just as much a freak to my family and my friends, who profess to be Christians, as someone who dresses in such a way. But the difference between the old me and the new me is that I am no longer apologizing for being the punk rocker! There is a dying world out there! There are too many hurting people who need Who I have to play the churchy games! Radical times mean radical measures! God is calling me more and more to the lost world! I hear the cries of lost people grow louder and louder. I can't ignore them! I must be more like Jesus every day so that these people crying out in agony because they are lost can see Him in me! I must look more like Him tomorrow than I did today and that means looking less like the world...even the world that goes to church! I want to be used radically by God to reach the lost and dying world! I have a feeling that there will be less and less of Miss Prim and Proper! God is calling me more and more to a place where I have to make a choice: His way or the world's way? Will I follow Him no matter the cost, will I follow Him into more isolation, will I follow Him when no ones "gets" it, or will I walk away? I have to choose to follow Him! There are people counting on me to be Jesus to them! God help me if I choose to be prim and proper over getting into the messy lives of people in need of a Savior! My view of beauty is changing! God is piercing my heart for a lost world......and maybe my nose along with it!

Realization

I was talking to Callie today about weight as I turned down her offer for a piece of candy. She asked if I was on a diet, and I told her not necesarrily, but I had just had a hamburger and frenchfries and that was enough...I didn't want to add candy as I was trying to make healthier choices. Sounds kind of funny after typing what I ate! Anyway, she got to talking about her choices, and I reminded her that I had 100pounds to lose, and she doesn't. Then it hit me....I am carrying her around all day! She weighs 100 pounds! I need to lose a Callie! She got a kick out of this...and I just got tired thinking that is how much extra flab I am carrying!

Another pound!

I was kind of surprised this morning to find that I had lost another pound.

I didn't do so great at recording my food this week...some because I ate what I shouldh't when I could have eaten better and some because I was eating at other people's houses and didn't have control of what I ate. This was a VERY rough emotional week. So the fact that I still lost a pound is a good thing! I want to give myself credit instead of beating myself up.

Something else significant happened this week. When I had those days where I ate when I shouldn't, I didn't get upset about the food, instead, it truly broke my heart that I had turned to food instead of God. I felt that Godly sorrow that comes when you know you have just done something that will put a wedge between you and God if you don't ask for forgiveness and turn from it. I had to do it alot this week, but each time He was right there waiting with open arms! I love that about my God! :)

So this is the start of a new week. My goal for this week is to exercise every day Mon-Fri. I started off great last week, but didn't end so good. I am not off to a great start this week as I was too tired to get out of bed this morning and go walk....actually didn't even hear the alarm go off! But with the over 100 degree weather we are having, I can swim laps in the pool this evening and the back yard needs to be mowed....so I bet I can get in some exercise yet today!

Goin down!

The numbers are still going down on the scale! That is sooo nice! WW said they couldn't verify my credit card, so I can't log my food in right now until I get that settled, but I am doing ok. I kind of decided that I wouldn't be as strict on weekends anyway just to try my hand at "freedom with in boundaries" :)

I had a wedding shower at my house on Saturday, so I had some sweets then. I am sure I went over points, but I did good at monitoring and stopping when I was full....not just eating because good food was there!

I am encouraged in my battle..just because I don't think about food constantly. For the first time in a very long time, I think I can do this! I can really lose this weight! I have to!

Going well

Since I started Weight Watchers, it seems that a new leaf has turned over. I have done Weight Watchers before, but it feels so different this time. I am trying to put my finger on what it is...I am just not sure. I declared war on my food addiction, but I have done that a million times! I think with my health issues, and understanding the vital importance of walking intimatly with God to literaly keep my mind right now, I know that food cannot stand in the way of my intimacy with Him! I think I have tasted and seen that He is good and food no longer tastes so good! I have had one really bad emotional day since being on WW, and food didn't even enter my mind to console it. Food doesn't consume my thoughts any more. What freedom! I fear the old thoughts will come back, but for now I am resting in the peace of eating to nourish my body and tracking it all to make sure I know what is going in my mouth!

And the best part is, the scale is going back down! woohoo!!! I know I need to quit weighing every day, but every day this week, I have been down at least half a pound from the day before. I am on my way to that 100 pounds by Mother's Day 2009!

Thank you to those of you walking this journey with me! I don't know how you found my blog, but I am soooooo glad you did!

I joined!

I just joined Weight Watchers on line! This thinking that I will 'cut back' is foolish! I know myself better than that! I HAVE to have boundaries....a checklist! And I love the on line system with the flex plan that allows me to put it all in the computer and it counts it for me!

Then I went to the Christian Women On-Line site thanks to my new friend These Three Kings. I found several wonderful little articles by Darlene Schacht. One of them that I read was to develop a plan. So I have stayed up tonight after my house has gone to bed so that I can do just that! So what is my plan???? Here it is!

Final Goals
1. Lose 110 pounds to get to goal weight of 150 pounds
2. have more energy
3. get off high blood pressure medicine (always had LOW blood pressure, even when I am pregnant, but this week started taking med for high blood pressure, yuck!)
4. hit 160 pounds by Mother's Day 2008
5. be healthy
6. teach my kids to be healthy

What I hope to gain by reaching these goals:
1. have God on the throan of my heart alone - NOT sharing it with food
2. gain confidence with "skinny women"
3. have energy to do all God has called me to be
There are a couple of others, but a little too personal to post to the world! :)

The Cost:
1. Stick to my points - NO CHEATING!
2. Learn to be satisfied with grapes instead of cookies!
3. Give up immediate satisfaction for perseverance and walking in obedience to God
4. hearing kids complain about the meals
5. cleaning out all the junk in our pantry
6. drink more water
7. get up at 5 to make sure I have plenty of time to exercise
8. time to log in my points

So that is my game plan! I wrote in my journal: The beggining of the END - I declare war on my weight, on my addiction to food - I am melting this golden calf once and for all!

What makes this time different than the TEN THOUSAND times before I have declared this? God! I am more intimate with God now than ever before...and food is standing in my way of greater intimacy. For me food is an idol, it holds a place only God should hold. It is an addiction, a quick hit so to speak when I am down, tired, bored or discouraged. I feel intitled to that little pleasure. But the truth is that all those things that lead me to turn to food instead of God during those times are lies. Food can't sustain me, but God can! Food can't bring joy, but God can! I want to go deeper with God, but I hear him saying over and over, get food out of the way then, my dear daughter! So I am going to get food out of the way so I can walk closer with my Savior! He is worth it! And He will walk with me through this journey and I can do ALL things through Him who gives me strength......even lose 110 pounds!

I think I'll go buy a two piece swimming suit to hang in my closet for next year.......I'm sure I'll be ready to wear it then :) - a modest one of course! lol!

I hate this battle!

Well, my weight is back where I started! I hate this battle! It seams the harder I fight, the more I lose! Yet I know that is because I am believing lies.

I have made some good, but more bad food choices this past week. I know have a wonderful friend wanting to walk this journey with me...I was so excited when she e-mailed and asked to do it with me, yet I find myself still not being motivated. What is it going to take to motivate me? I just feel so down on myself right now that eating just seems like the only thing to do. What a lie from the pit!

I did swim 10+ laps yesterday...nearly killed me! Used to I was big, but I could keep up physically fairly well. Now days, that is not the case. By 2:00 in the afternoon I am wiped out! Brain dead and physically exhausted. What would it be like to carry 100 pounds less around all day? Oh God, help me to get there!

Mother's Day gift....for my kids!

Well, today was a wonderful mother's day. But as I sat in church this morning, those familiar thoughts went through my mind. Why can I not conquer the weight? How much better mom would I be if there were 100 pounds less of me? Yes, I was able to crawl in the Chuck E. Cheese tubes last night, I haven't lost that, but I can't imagine how much more energy at the end of the day I would have it I carried around 100 pounds less through out the day.

So I got to thinking. In one year from now, where could I be in my weight? I have always heard that 2 pounds a week is healthy weight loss. That would mean I could lose 104 pounds in a year. So that means I could be at my goal weight by this time next year! I could lose Noah, Toben and Ava...I know how badly my back hurts when I have to carry Toben or Ava around for a little while and how tired that makes me. When I think that my excess body weight is the same as carrying all three of them on my back, that just sounds in sane! Oh how much better I would feel with out them on my back all day! :)

So next year for Mother's Day, I want to give my children a gift. I want to give them less of me! I want give them a mom that has the energy to get through the day with out being grumpy by dinner because I am so exhausted I can barely put one foot in front of the other. I want to give them a mom who can run around the park with them and not be winded after a couple of laps. I want to give them a mom who is all the God has called her to be which is not "skinny" but healthy and walking in obedience in the area of food.

I also have a little alterior motive for wanting to lose weight. John, if you are reading this, just skip this paragraph! I don't want you having a panick attack on me! :) On this mother's day, I really reflected on ALL my children...the four who live with me, the one I lost to a miscarriage before Callie and of course Eden and Addy. I also pondered future children. Everyone says you know when you are "done", and I can't imagine being done! As we celebrated Ava's second birthday, my heart just about burst with the desire for another biological child. I would love to adopt again too, but I love being pregnant and experiencing all that means. But the next time I am pregnant, I want to be one of those cute pregnant women! I don't want to have to buy larger size women's clothes because no maternity clothes fit. I want to have the cute little bump of pregnancy instead of barely showing because the baby can't be seen through the layers of fat. I know if God (and John) allow me to have the experience of another pregnancy, it will most probably be my last one. I want to be skinny when I start! Since Ava is two and I am 34, another pregnancy needs to occur in the next year or two if we are going to do that. So I need to get this weight off!

So Mother's Day 2009, I will give my kids a mother who is at her goal weight and more of a mom because there is less of me there!

Motivation....

There are so many things I think should motivate me....like your children in their honesty telling you how big your thighs are.....or sitting at the computer working and just feeling your belly hanging places it shouldn't! Whey does this not motivate me? I think because right after I think motivation, the voices start in again so I just eat to curtail the pain from the words of the voices and then the thighs get bigger and the stomach hangs over a little more!...that is so gross! ugh! Maybe I will tell the little voices to hush and go do some situps!

Why can I not conquer?

Why is this so hard? You would think that I have enough to motivate me! Yet, I just can't seem to get over it!

What are my motivators? Well, lets see, I am over 100 pounds over weight, on all the charts, I am on "obese"! Such an ugly word! When you see the "before" pictures when people lose weight, I see me! I am the before picture! When people show their *huge* clothes that they can now fit themselves and a friend into, those are my clothes now! Someone teased about taking a huge pair of women's underwear as a gift in a white elephant party, and I broke out in a cold sweat because I figured they would be the size of my underwear. I have developed high blood pressure, I am exhausted by 8:30 at night, my legs hurt when I have to stand for a long time and the list goes on and on! So with all that, why can I not motivate myself to stop it?

Well, probably because the voices in my head tell me it is no use. This time will be no different than the times before. Even if I deny myself that food now, it will make no difference on the scale later. Food is the only solace I have for the emotions that I face during the day. I will always be fat. Being fat is a sign of my laziness and unorganization and that will never change. All those are lies, I know in my head, but my heart believes every one of them. And out of the heart flows the well spring of life....and death!

God, help me to hear Your voice over the others. I confess putting food above you in my life. I ask that you forgive me for turning to food and not you in my times of need. What I think I can gain from eating, I do not know! But You offer life! Help me take up the life you offer and leave the trash behind!

One way to lose weight

I was sicker than sick yesterday! I was going at both ends (sorry, that was a little grafick, huh>!). But when I got on the scale this morning, I was down the pounds I had gained plus one more! Hard way to lose it, but I will take it! Now I just have to keep it off!

Monday Weigh In

Well, I am up two pounds! ugh! After the week I have had, that is not surprising. I have to find time to exercise! I just can't drag myself out of bed in the mornings. I think today I will air up the exercise ball! John is out of town so walking is out of the questions since I can't leave the kids alone. Maybe I will use the DVD and the ball tomorrow morning......

Monday Weigh In

Well, I am down three pounds! Woohoo! I tend to weigh way too much! So I am trying to only record one weight a week to see what is really happening. I tend to fluctuate a lot.

The weekend wasn't so great, as I knew it wouldn't be with the garage sale. But today was better. My menu for today was granola bar for breakfast, spinach salad with chicken for lunch. Then for dinner, I grilled steaks, egg plant and cabbage. We had fresh strawberry shortcake for desert. I know deserts can't be banned all together! So I am trying to do good ones. I didn't add as much sugar to the strawberries as I normally would.

So as far as meals, it was great. Now if I hadn't eaten the five or six marshmallow eggs or the seven or eight m&m's, it would have been great! Something to work on for tomorrow! Sweets are definitly my stronghold!

I did walk for 20 minutes this morning also. I would have walked for longer, but I didn't have time. I need to get up by 5:15 to have a full 30 minutes to walk! That used to be easy for me, but with the depression, getting up in the mornings is so hard! But I will work on it!

Garage sale...hard to eat

We are having a garage sale this weekend. So eating will be tricky! That means no cooking and most likely eating out. But even if I can just make wiser choices when eating out. I know many of you will laugh at my reasoning, but for dinner tonight after a full day of pricing and setting out items for the garage sale (and John at rehearsal so all four kids on my own this evening), we stopped by HEB and picked up tv dinners. I think I have the only kids in the world who beg for tv dinners! So I browsed past the fried foods and settled on a "lean cuisine" meal. That would have been a great choice if I hadn't eaten the half of Ava's spaghetti that she left behind! ugh! But still, I did make a wiser choice in my meal....and many times during the day, I felt myself wanting to eat because I was tired or overwhelmed. But instead I would stop and think of what emotion I was feeding, pray for an answer, then moved forward. So overall, today was not great, but not bad either! I had a huge desire to go eat some ice cream, so I blogged instead! Aren't you glad?! ha!

It's been awhile....again!

Ok, I have been told that some of you are actually reading this blog. So I figure I should try to post more often! That is scary on many levels! I originally started this thinking no one would really read it, but there would be accountability since it is going out to the world. Now that people I know are reading it, well, that is really scary! You know my weight! Ugh! :) Oh well, we Christians are called to transparency, right?! So this is full trasnparency!

So where am I in my journey? Well, about the same place I was when I started this blog! :) As of this morning, I need to lose 105 pounds to get to what I think is my goal weight. I need to lose 85 pounds to be at the weight I was when John and I met. That was a pretty good size for me, losing more than that might be too much, but according to the "charts" I need to lose 105 to be at my ideal weight. I have 17 pounds to lose to be at pre-pregnancy weight. Yes, my baby will be 2 in May, but my first baby turned 8 in January, and I still haven't hit my pre-pregnancy weight with her!

What are my thoughts? Well, I have new motivation, well it should be new motivation, but nothing seems to motivate me in this area! I went to the doctor last month and he wants to put me on high blood pressure medicine. What?! I am 34 and do not want to go on high blood pressure medicine! yuck! But it seems that no matter what the motivation is, the voices in my head are louder! As I left the doctor, I told myself this was it...that defining moment you always hear people who have lost lots of weight talk about. The moment that the food became less of a draw than the consequence of not losing the weight. But at the same time I am thinking that, the voices in my hear are screaming that this time will be no different than any other time. "You can't stop eating! You will never be able to be thin! You don't have what it takes to eat healthy! You don't have the knowledge or the will power! You have been heavy your whole life, just get used to it! You are not that overweight, you are fine!" All lies, I know! Yet, I can't seem to shake them. Now a month later, they have more weight (no pun intended) in my mind because it is true. I haven't lost, I haven't conquered, in fact I have regressed....BUT I am ready to conquer! I hope to be more dedicated to blogging my journey here...maybe even putting my food journal on here....I know that is the key...keeping track of what I eat so I am aware! It just takes so much time! But is worth it.

Better, get going for the day...I already feel a little defeated as I was not able to exercise because John had to leave early and I forgot that. But I can walk tonight,and I am going to take my exercise ball (that I got for my birthday in December!) to my dad to get him to air it up since I haven't done it yet!

More on my motivation this morning later......step one of my journey to skinny (really just a journey to healthy and skinny is a nice side effect!).